The Blog: STS: On Choice

I started this blog to share my experiences abroad with my family and friends so when they ask “How is Spain??” I can refer them directly here. I don’t write to entertain hundreds of strangers with my own personal musings, but I do write for me. And I amuse myself so... that has to be worth something, haha. I started Spiritual Thought Sundays because I think it’s silly to only show your personal wins with your friends if they can’t see at what price they came. Today I’m writing something different. I don’t expect everyone to understand. And I don’t ask for you to agree with me. I only ask that you keep an open mind.

You struggle… again and again.

And then one day,

you triumph.

I read once somewhere that if we all spilled our troubles on the table, when we saw what everyone else carried with them we would scramble to grab and keep ours. And I think about that a lot. Nonetheless, it has been a good week here but with some sharper aches and pains in my own life. There are a lot of things that don’t belong on a blog and many that I just choose to not share.

I want to generalize my thoughts and use the Royal We and apply it to the population, but I realize what I mean is in Jessie Dean land- and so to save the time and an inflated sense of self, I’ll just write it like this:

I struggle a lot.

I don’t feel I succeed in every thing that I do.

I am no stranger to feeling unnoticed,

or useless

or to failure.

but all of these things… they’re all so central to being human. I have days where I drag my feet. Moments where I fall apart. I have self doubt, discomfort, sometimes just straight up sadness… we all experience our own share of the worst. I would be shocked if you could honestly say you haven’t felt any of what I’ve listed in the last year. And then I would try to be happy for you but would secretly envy your fortunate circumstances. And then I would add “be less envious of others” to my “to work on” list in my head haha.

I want you reading this to know that I LOVE SPAIN. The experiences I’ve had here have been so great. I’m grateful to have the opportunity to study in such a beautiful and quirky country. And I still try to love every day the best I can. And I will have a lot of things to miss when I come back to the states… the food, the people, the places, the memories, the bread haha… And yet, this past week has been harder than most. But I’m working through it. Because life moves on, whether or not you’re ready to.

My heart aches today. It hurts for friends back home. It hurts for family. It hurts for my lack of understanding about a lot of things.

Why do we struggle?

Why does God let us hurt if He is the God of Love? Of Mercy? If He is All-powerful?

This is just my personal opinion, but I don’t believe that God has a “perfect path” set out for us. At least not in the sense that it’s a straight line to be walked and we get punished until we find our way back to the one path that He made.

Of course we all need to stay “on the path” in regards to being faithful, repentant, following the commandments, doing our best to be an example and lift others- but that’s a different plan. What I mean to say is I don’t think God has already crafted “Jessie Dean the Street Sweeper Who Lives in Minneapolis and Gets to Have 3 Close Friends” as His path set for me, and that I will be miserable until it’s actualized. That just doesn’t make sense to me.

So like I said: I don’t believe that God has a path set in stone for us.

I think God helps us as we are and as we make our own choices.
I totally believe “Jessie Dean the Artist”, “Jessie Dean the Surgeon”, “Jessie Dean the Politician” and even “Jessie Dean the Manager at Target” can be and are perfectly acceptable paths to walk in His eyes and I will still learn the things I need to in different ways.

But sometimes God can have these different good things and lessons lined up for us,

and we still chose to walk.

Because we will always have our ability to choose.

I choose to pray. Or I choose to stay in bed longer.

I choose to wait around for apologies. Or I choose to be forgiving.

I choose nutella on bread. I choose corn flakes. I choose to skip breakfast.

I choose to stay in my comfort zone. Or I choose to try new things.

I choose to stand up for the right thing.

I choose to follow the commandments.

And still, there are things that I can’t choose.

I didn’t choose my height.

I didn’t choose my body.

I didn’t choose how I grew up.

I can’t choose my trials.

I can’t make choices for others.

And I can’t pick and choose my sufferings.

But I choose how I handle them.

And I can choose to make bad days good.

I don’t have big experiences with dark nights. I’ve had my share of dark moments specifically in the context of Jessie Dean, but I live my life in a way that I’m always in control. But today I sat and I watched each and every single one of the videos from The Church’s 12 Steps To Recovery (Addiction Recovery Program). And I will no doubt watch them again some other time. They are powerful. They are inspiring. They are real.

https://www.mormonchannel.org/12steps

Honesty

Hope

Trust in God

Truth

Confession

Change of Heart

Humility

Forgiveness

Restituion and Reconciliation

Daily Accountability

Personal Revelation

Service

They are each about 5 minutes long and tell a different story of a real person. Prescription drugs. Food addictions. Alcohol. Eating Disorders. Heroine. Cocaine. Sex addictions.

Addiction is real.

So is Recovery.

Like I said, I don’t have experiences with dark nights. I can say honestly and openly I have not had an addiction of such caliber. I don’t want to say I’ve never had an addiction but I feel like I keep my chocolate habit at bay… #jokesonaseriouspost

The reason I spend my whole Sunday afternoons writing and rewriting these aren’t for the internet points. I don’t get anything cool from it. For the most part I just hope they’re read and if they’re read by my fam from outside of the church, I hope they read it and look for truths or new things they can apply to their own lives.

Of this I know to be true:

Jesus Christ was a perfect man.

I can’t fathom what a perfect man looks like, but he was it.

Sometimes I sit and think how would I react if Christ walked into the room right now? And sometimes the thought in itself brings tears to my eyes.

Jesus Christ was a perfect man.

He did no wrong.

He sought out and only followed the will of the Father.

And yet,

He was rejected by the multitudes.

The very people he came to uplift.

They turned their backs and laughed.

Or worse,

Raised their weapons and raised their voices to fight him.

And He knew that they would, and he came anyways.

He has endured the dark nights.

He has walked with no one by his side.

He has experienced the most pain.

And yet,

I see him sitting next to me.

A man who has seen so much, felt so much, has done so much.

And he wants to sit next to me.

I sit and sob about the troubles in my life, and he doesn’t jump to conclusions. He doesn’t judge who is right and who is wrong. He understands the pain in my heart and instead seeks to help me to know how to right what is wrong or accept that which I cannot change.

He stands with his hand out stretched, and says

“Come, follow me.”

And this is my choice. We all have this choice.

He sits with all of us and waits until we look to him for guidance.

"Come, follow me," the Savior said.

Then let us in his footsteps tread,

For thus alone can we be one

With God's own loved, begotten Son.

I know that religion “isn’t for everyone” but it’s for me, and that’s enough.

I know all things are possible in Christ. I know it. I’m still learning how to put it into practice in my own life. I anticipate to be doing this essentially until the grave! Sign me up. I know he is the light that can help the darkest of nights and every lost soul. And he absolutely wants to. And you are never too far gone to find him.

I love you all. I love the Savior.

Keep the faith and just keep going.

We can all do hard things.

Love always,

Jessie