On The Good Life

6 months ago I wrote this in response to an email from a friend. I read it for the first time this week when she resent it to me, I hardly remembered writing it at all. But I stand by it.

JD

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Why life is good, even when it’s not always

Otherwise, Life as I See It

The Personal Doctrine of Jessie Dean 

I’ve tried to think about this long and hard to give this great, lengthy, enlightening response, but that’s not really my style. And I don’t have that much to say, surprisingly. I’m simple… I don’t get that deep. 

I think life is good, because I know it’s good. 

It’s as factual as my height, the ground under my feet, the air outside being ice cold… life is good. It really is.

Is my life good all the time? No, not really. And that’s not my favorite thing, but that’s okay. 

I get stressed out.

I feel insecure. 

I question my abilities.
I doubt my goodness.

I talk myself out of opportunities to grow.

I let myself believe the voices that circle around my wounds in my mind.

But life is still good. 

I come from an occasionally “rough home life”. No, I wasn’t abused-physically or emotionally. But I grew up outside of the gospel, thus just a different environment than I’d personally choose. I can’t go to my parents for the things I really want to, I take a lot of their advice with a grain of salt. 

And life is good.

I guess to me, the only thing I really have is my body, and my happiness. I want to help others to be happy, and I can do that. Or at least I can try. Without pulling the gospel into it because the majority of my life didn’t involve it… the reason I’m happy is because I choose to be. It feels better. Sometimes it’s easier. My favorite feeling is to feel like I’ve connected with someone or that we’re having a moment. I love high fives. I love laughing until I cry. I love the sense of family amongst friends. I try to foster these opportunites. I still am not 100% sure how to spell oppurtunities.

I don’t feel happy all the time, but I’d like to be. I try to be. 

I’m good at reaching out to others. I’m pretty good at making new friends. I like getting to know others. These things make me happy.

I like learning new things. I like proving myself wrong. Which usually means stepping out of my comfort zone and being willing to be a bit embarrassed. 

I love to love, I love to be loved. 

I like to make others feel important.

I believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ. 

I do know it’s true.

I do believe it to be redemptive, powerful, changing. 

I do know it has changed me. 

And it is what helps me to be hopeful.

It’s what helps me to keep improving, among other things.

It humbles me! Cuz I have a big head

Those are the thoughts I have. I could probably keep going but I don’t have any specific thoughts.

On Hard Times

Something I put on Facebook earlier this week in the conclusion of finals. For my own purposes, I'm posting it here as well-in an attempt to keep more "serious" writings together.




This has been the most difficult semester I've had at BYU thus far, 0% because of my classes. I've been learning a lot of new things about being an adult and doing right every day, but it's hard; It takes a lot to be human. And no one can really tell you how it's best done. But today I am grateful to God. I have average grades, i get really nervous to make new friends, I talk a lot, doubt my strengths, and pretty much cry at least once a week because I get overwhelmed / scared / frustrated --and if it's not falling out of my mouth in some random arrangement of words, it's definitely streaming down my face in tears.

And yet, I know God loves me.

And I know that He is aware of me.

Sometimes when I'm frustrated, God feels so distant. Like how you see the moon in the sky, but you'll never touch it. It just sits and hangs out above our heads, but you don't really see what it does. If we could only see how the moon pulls the tides. If we knew it was the moon in the rare and beautiful eclipses. If we remembered that it is by moonlight we are led on our darkest of nights.

Today, I'm humbled and reminded that God is not distant. He is here, and He sees me. He gives me daily bread! I didn't touch God today, but I certainly was touched by His love and care. And for today, I am fed.

#Where I Am


I've experienced a lot since coming home from Spain. I know it sounds like I did something harder and left for longer, but it's really just the way my brain breaks up the time. I suppose you could say "in this last semester", but it's been longer than that. I battle constantly in my mind what is "appropriate to share" with your social media circles/the internet and what isn't ... but the thing is, I have learned most from those who have had the courage to make themselves more transparent and vulnerable beyond long nights and hard conversations. No, I won't be dishing out personal personal bits and my social security number to boot, but I think there's something to be said about admitting mistakes and talking about life in both directions (the ups & downs). I've made a lot of mistakes these last few months, but here's to looking forward with the new seasons to come.



JD

On Growth

I wrote this today after a moment of frustration. It's not my place to tell people how to live their lives. I think I ended up writing this 1% for them, and the rest all for me, haha. Anyways, just a short blurb, nothing crazy. Happy Sabbath!! ALSO I was messing with the text size and nowwww it refuses to pick something consistent. I'm real sorry, but I just don't know how to fix it haha. Just one of those unsolvable mysteries. 
JD

       The thing about growth is that very rarely do we "spurt". Think of how you got to be how tall you are today. It's true, you have periods of growth spurts growing up. I won't claim I came out of the womb at 5'10" and with a full mop of hair, because I didn't. I was a little ugly potato baby, as most are before they grow. But think about how much it took to get that little thing to be me today. A stinking ton of work.


What encourages our growth? What do we need? I can tell you with 100% confidence it's making the right choices in the little things. There really are periods in your life where you "flourish" or "flounder" based on your decisions. We need to be taking care of our bodies. We need to find ways to challenge our intellect. We especially have to be sensitive to our spiritual needs.

It's great that you can kick your m&m habit, start working out more, and see results in your body over time.

It's cool to see your hard work pay off after hitting the books and really trying in school when you get back the grades you've really earned. 

   
 But spiritual growth... can we really measure that?



My favorite chapter in the Book of Mormon talks about it. 

Alma 32, roughly paraphrased,

If you will get up and work and can't do anything but TRY to believe, even if you can only give me a PARTICLE of your faith and efforts, it's cool. Let this particle work and grow so you can eventually find space in your heart for more.

We can compare the word of God to a seed. Imagine you've put this seed in your heart. If it's true, if it's good, and if you don't throw it away with your own doubts and suspicions, if you sincerely keep it in your heart and are open to the Spirit and genuine communication from God, watch. It will "swell" within you. It will grow to be something good, something worth noticing- and you'll have to say to yourself "it has to be a good seed. Or rather, the word of God has to be good" because I can feel it in my heart. It's brought enlightenment to me, and I can tell. Yeah, I would even say it has brought joy to my life.

Wouldn't this increase your faith? Yeah, it would. Because faith has never been a perfect knowledge.

     

those are verses 27, 28, and 29 if you want to compare my paraphrasing:

https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/alma/32?lang=eng

We can all work on our little things. We can all find space in our hearts to try just a little bit more. To have more reverence and respect for sacred things. To pray with more sincerity. To grit our teeth and give with just an ounce more patience. We can try and eat better. We can get more sleep. We can say kind things to people who are less than kind to us in return. We can try to have more faith.

But at the end of the day: we need to remember that we are just people.

       And we are all growing.

 When you see others through frustrated, jaded lenses, give them the space to make their own choices. They have come far and seen much, but they are still growing. When you feel less than you are, you have still come so far. Maybe you can't see it yet. But you're growing. Choose carefully your little things, and go.

On The End

hola todos!! que tal estais??
I have missed saying that.



So yes as you can tell, all's well that ends well--- and other miscellaneous sayings that I've picked up from my parents that I'm not 100% sure if I'm using right.


I've been home and have long since adjusted back to American life. It wasn't too hard, I wasn't gone for that long. But let me tell you: jet lag is real and if you think you are better than it you are mistaken.
Sincerely,
prideful traveler who thought it was normal to wake up fully rested at 4 am for a week straight.

I thought maybe I'd have some bigger wrap-up thoughts for Spain, but I've already said quite a bit. I didn't end up writing on our last trip or my last days in Alcala and Madrid either, but maybe they're better told in person.

I miss Spain. I love Spain. But I love America too. It's good to see the world-but it's better to be home.

I'm grateful for it all. It wasn't easy all the time (for reasons that you wouldn't expect), but I'd go again.

Cheers,
Jessie