On The Good Life

6 months ago I wrote this in response to an email from a friend. I read it for the first time this week when she resent it to me, I hardly remembered writing it at all. But I stand by it.

JD

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Why life is good, even when it’s not always

Otherwise, Life as I See It

The Personal Doctrine of Jessie Dean 

I’ve tried to think about this long and hard to give this great, lengthy, enlightening response, but that’s not really my style. And I don’t have that much to say, surprisingly. I’m simple… I don’t get that deep. 

I think life is good, because I know it’s good. 

It’s as factual as my height, the ground under my feet, the air outside being ice cold… life is good. It really is.

Is my life good all the time? No, not really. And that’s not my favorite thing, but that’s okay. 

I get stressed out.

I feel insecure. 

I question my abilities.
I doubt my goodness.

I talk myself out of opportunities to grow.

I let myself believe the voices that circle around my wounds in my mind.

But life is still good. 

I come from an occasionally “rough home life”. No, I wasn’t abused-physically or emotionally. But I grew up outside of the gospel, thus just a different environment than I’d personally choose. I can’t go to my parents for the things I really want to, I take a lot of their advice with a grain of salt. 

And life is good.

I guess to me, the only thing I really have is my body, and my happiness. I want to help others to be happy, and I can do that. Or at least I can try. Without pulling the gospel into it because the majority of my life didn’t involve it… the reason I’m happy is because I choose to be. It feels better. Sometimes it’s easier. My favorite feeling is to feel like I’ve connected with someone or that we’re having a moment. I love high fives. I love laughing until I cry. I love the sense of family amongst friends. I try to foster these opportunites. I still am not 100% sure how to spell oppurtunities.

I don’t feel happy all the time, but I’d like to be. I try to be. 

I’m good at reaching out to others. I’m pretty good at making new friends. I like getting to know others. These things make me happy.

I like learning new things. I like proving myself wrong. Which usually means stepping out of my comfort zone and being willing to be a bit embarrassed. 

I love to love, I love to be loved. 

I like to make others feel important.

I believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ. 

I do know it’s true.

I do believe it to be redemptive, powerful, changing. 

I do know it has changed me. 

And it is what helps me to be hopeful.

It’s what helps me to keep improving, among other things.

It humbles me! Cuz I have a big head

Those are the thoughts I have. I could probably keep going but I don’t have any specific thoughts.

On Hard Times

Something I put on Facebook earlier this week in the conclusion of finals. For my own purposes, I'm posting it here as well-in an attempt to keep more "serious" writings together.




This has been the most difficult semester I've had at BYU thus far, 0% because of my classes. I've been learning a lot of new things about being an adult and doing right every day, but it's hard; It takes a lot to be human. And no one can really tell you how it's best done. But today I am grateful to God. I have average grades, i get really nervous to make new friends, I talk a lot, doubt my strengths, and pretty much cry at least once a week because I get overwhelmed / scared / frustrated --and if it's not falling out of my mouth in some random arrangement of words, it's definitely streaming down my face in tears.

And yet, I know God loves me.

And I know that He is aware of me.

Sometimes when I'm frustrated, God feels so distant. Like how you see the moon in the sky, but you'll never touch it. It just sits and hangs out above our heads, but you don't really see what it does. If we could only see how the moon pulls the tides. If we knew it was the moon in the rare and beautiful eclipses. If we remembered that it is by moonlight we are led on our darkest of nights.

Today, I'm humbled and reminded that God is not distant. He is here, and He sees me. He gives me daily bread! I didn't touch God today, but I certainly was touched by His love and care. And for today, I am fed.

#Where I Am


I've experienced a lot since coming home from Spain. I know it sounds like I did something harder and left for longer, but it's really just the way my brain breaks up the time. I suppose you could say "in this last semester", but it's been longer than that. I battle constantly in my mind what is "appropriate to share" with your social media circles/the internet and what isn't ... but the thing is, I have learned most from those who have had the courage to make themselves more transparent and vulnerable beyond long nights and hard conversations. No, I won't be dishing out personal personal bits and my social security number to boot, but I think there's something to be said about admitting mistakes and talking about life in both directions (the ups & downs). I've made a lot of mistakes these last few months, but here's to looking forward with the new seasons to come.



JD

On Growth

I wrote this today after a moment of frustration. It's not my place to tell people how to live their lives. I think I ended up writing this 1% for them, and the rest all for me, haha. Anyways, just a short blurb, nothing crazy. Happy Sabbath!! ALSO I was messing with the text size and nowwww it refuses to pick something consistent. I'm real sorry, but I just don't know how to fix it haha. Just one of those unsolvable mysteries. 
JD

       The thing about growth is that very rarely do we "spurt". Think of how you got to be how tall you are today. It's true, you have periods of growth spurts growing up. I won't claim I came out of the womb at 5'10" and with a full mop of hair, because I didn't. I was a little ugly potato baby, as most are before they grow. But think about how much it took to get that little thing to be me today. A stinking ton of work.


What encourages our growth? What do we need? I can tell you with 100% confidence it's making the right choices in the little things. There really are periods in your life where you "flourish" or "flounder" based on your decisions. We need to be taking care of our bodies. We need to find ways to challenge our intellect. We especially have to be sensitive to our spiritual needs.

It's great that you can kick your m&m habit, start working out more, and see results in your body over time.

It's cool to see your hard work pay off after hitting the books and really trying in school when you get back the grades you've really earned. 

   
 But spiritual growth... can we really measure that?



My favorite chapter in the Book of Mormon talks about it. 

Alma 32, roughly paraphrased,

If you will get up and work and can't do anything but TRY to believe, even if you can only give me a PARTICLE of your faith and efforts, it's cool. Let this particle work and grow so you can eventually find space in your heart for more.

We can compare the word of God to a seed. Imagine you've put this seed in your heart. If it's true, if it's good, and if you don't throw it away with your own doubts and suspicions, if you sincerely keep it in your heart and are open to the Spirit and genuine communication from God, watch. It will "swell" within you. It will grow to be something good, something worth noticing- and you'll have to say to yourself "it has to be a good seed. Or rather, the word of God has to be good" because I can feel it in my heart. It's brought enlightenment to me, and I can tell. Yeah, I would even say it has brought joy to my life.

Wouldn't this increase your faith? Yeah, it would. Because faith has never been a perfect knowledge.

     

those are verses 27, 28, and 29 if you want to compare my paraphrasing:

https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/alma/32?lang=eng

We can all work on our little things. We can all find space in our hearts to try just a little bit more. To have more reverence and respect for sacred things. To pray with more sincerity. To grit our teeth and give with just an ounce more patience. We can try and eat better. We can get more sleep. We can say kind things to people who are less than kind to us in return. We can try to have more faith.

But at the end of the day: we need to remember that we are just people.

       And we are all growing.

 When you see others through frustrated, jaded lenses, give them the space to make their own choices. They have come far and seen much, but they are still growing. When you feel less than you are, you have still come so far. Maybe you can't see it yet. But you're growing. Choose carefully your little things, and go.

On The End

hola todos!! que tal estais??
I have missed saying that.



So yes as you can tell, all's well that ends well--- and other miscellaneous sayings that I've picked up from my parents that I'm not 100% sure if I'm using right.


I've been home and have long since adjusted back to American life. It wasn't too hard, I wasn't gone for that long. But let me tell you: jet lag is real and if you think you are better than it you are mistaken.
Sincerely,
prideful traveler who thought it was normal to wake up fully rested at 4 am for a week straight.

I thought maybe I'd have some bigger wrap-up thoughts for Spain, but I've already said quite a bit. I didn't end up writing on our last trip or my last days in Alcala and Madrid either, but maybe they're better told in person.

I miss Spain. I love Spain. But I love America too. It's good to see the world-but it's better to be home.

I'm grateful for it all. It wasn't easy all the time (for reasons that you wouldn't expect), but I'd go again.

Cheers,
Jessie

On Sevilla, Córdoba, Granada and Halloween

Hola todos!

SO HEY from…. Well yeah, the bus.

So this weekend we went to visit the triple threat of Sevilla, Córdoba, & Granada en el sur de España. This is our last long trip (we have shorter trips following) and can I just say thus far? Totes worth. And you know all sassy comments aside about the bus, I’m amazed how fast time passes when I feel like I am sitting doing ab-so-lute-ly nothing...

So Córdoba first:

Oh wow, so Córdoba was a funny little town. When we visit little towns that are farther away we usually do it on the way to another town. IE we had a shorter time in Córdoba while on the way to Sevilla. And when we got off the bus I remember looking at Córdoba and thinking “welp….. we’ll see what this is going to be about haha. Looks like an evil little-r Toledo…. That is somehow less scenic…” annnnd-alright wait it took ALL STINKING DAY to get to Córdoba, I almost forgot. Picture this: you get up at 5:15 to get ready to run at 5:30. You finish, go home, shower, and it’s 7:00. You get dressed, pack the rest of your things, grab breakfast and your lunch your mom made for your trip, and rush off to the plaza that’s about 8 minutes down the road. You get on the bus at 8 am. And you stay on it until 1:30 in the afternoon. Can you imagine that?? I don’t have to… since that was my life on Wednesday.

I actually loved Córdoba. So in our class civilización iberico we spent a few weeks reviewing classic architecture in Spain. And it was very very very very boring. But seeing it in person? Phenomenal. And I definitely wish I payed attention more in class haha. Dang… anyway, it was so crazy. Something I wasn’t aware of when I came to Spain was the presence of middle-eastern influences. As someone who studied Spanish in the context of almost exclusively South and Central America, I didn’t know too much about 1. European geography 2. Specifics of European history. It’s not a big deal since it means I’ve learned a lot in my time here, but it didn’t make sense why 1. There are no Mexican restaurants and 2. Every big city seems to have at least a half dozen kebab shops, among other things that aren’t related to food haha. I asked this to Sonia and she throws her hands up in the air and says something to the effect of why would we want to have Mexican food here?? This is Spain! In America, you’re right next to Mexico, yes? So you have a lot of Mexican restaurants. In Spain, it’s the same with middle eastern restaurants like the kebab shops. We’re not going to have Mexican food here, it’s allllll the way on the other side of the ocean, there’s no reason we should have it here. So... I really miss tacos haha. ANYWAYS WHAT I WAS TRYING TO GET AT: In Spain, a lot of the history -in a very very blanket statement over a few thousands of years- is between three groups: the catholics, the jews, and the muslims. So there are a lot of catedrales, sinagogues, y mosques depending on what part of the country you’re in, despite the majority of Spain being catholic.  So we went to see the mosque in Córdoba and it was incredible and so different from every thing else we’ve visited. Totally worth it. If you can stomach all of the tourist shops with the arches and potted plant tshirts.

When we got back on the bus we went to fnd the hotel in Sevilla. I’m still not sure how to spell it because in English I think it’s Seville, and in Spanish Sevilla (seh-bee-ya). I was hecka hungry so Alyssa, Rachel, Megan, and I decided to hunt out some food and decided to go to this Italian restaurant. And I died. I DIED. Have you ever had real Italian pizza??? I feel like that is just thrown around in the states, “real Italian pizza”. Admittedly, I wasn’t in Florence or anything crazy but WE HAD THE MOST INSANE PIZZA. Do you know how insane a pizza has to really be to still be talking about it days later?????? It was great. But by the time we were done eating it was literally almost midnight, holy Hannah.

Next day: SEVILLA

Alright alright alright alright get excited… I LOVE SEVILLA. Love it.

Sevilla is this just classy town. It feels like a classic “Spain” city.  

We got to tour the palace and the cathedral... it's the largest gothic cathedral in Spain, if I remember right. If I'm wrong, tell me. Memory don't fail me now! Haha. We got to take these ramps up 1.2 billion feet in air to see the city from the bell tower, it was sweet. But in the least racist way I can say this, seriously what the heck is with asian tourists haha? They are seriously everywhere.

It was great to be in Sevilla, because our hotel was in a useful part of the city haha! Sometimes we stay in a neighbouring town or on the outskirts of the city so we're essentially stranded. But in Sevilla we could stay out if we wanted or go back to the hotel and nap... all good options. So in our free time after our guided tour we came back to recoop and regroup a bit before visiting... well honestly i don't know the name of what we visited. The guide called it "puerta sol" and then drew a line ("puerta!") and pointed upwards ("sol!") so we'd make the connection ("es muy muy facil! puerta... sol!! entendéis?") but you can google "Sevilla mushroom" and it comes up hahaha. We wanted to walk the streets more than figure out what it was, so we kept on going after seeing it. We ended up helping buy a suit and it was hilarious. We brought it back to the hotel and WENT TO SEE A FLAMENCO SHOW. 

My thoughts on flamenco:

So there are a handful of things that are essentially at every tourist spot in Spain.

1. merchandise from said city, like those black bags with the rainbow font that say MADRIDMADRIDMADRID or SEVILLASEVILLASEVILLA or LONDONLONDONLONDON... alternatively, very poorly designed shirts that are either red with yellow decals or those tacky black and paint-splattered shirts with said city's name 

2. Fans. Hand-held fans. Doesn't matter the town. How many times have I seen someone actually use a fan?? Probably twice. 

3. Ugly magnets? Who collects fridge magnets any more?

4. Very cheaply made flamenco dresses

5. Bracelets. Everywhere. 

Flamenco dresses and other various silly things are everywhere because the flamenco is a famous dance from Spanish culture. And I was hesitant if I had any interest in even going to it because the dresses look a little strange as an extranjera, but it was SO COOL. I will without a doubt or any hesitation however say that for the safety of your ears you do not need to see more than one flamenco show in a life time. It is MUCHO CLAPPING but so fun to see. New dream... to be a sassy flamenco dancer for a day. Werk it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xqxJMCQxb_Q 

Another day: La Alhambra

So in true study abroad fashion: I forgot where we were going. This was neither in Córdoba, Sevilla or Granada. So just pick a city and I will agree with you it was there. Even though it wasn't haha. La Alhambra was SUCH a fun distraction. It was this incredible garden and historical place. But the rule is if you wouldn’t post this many pictures of aa cathedral you shouldn’t post that many of a garden. So I won't. But let me tell you... garden goals. Forreal. 

I just realized I don't remember actually stopping in Granada. I might edit this later. But currently... did we go to Granada? haha..... oh shoot. 

And basically, we came home (to the hotel) to sleep before the bus ride. Because apparently we had 6 or 7 hours to conquer the next day. BooooOOoooOooooOooooooooooo.

In other news, some Halloweeny updates: Halloween in Spain is not the same. 

People do dress up and go out, but it's different. In some towns, they go trick-or-treating. In our town, they had a lot of people out dressed up in the streets for fun, but mostly hanging with friends and doing normal things + face paint and cheap costumes. Not too different from America? We went to this sweeeeet play though. It was really cool!! So the play is called Don Juan and is naturally, a famous spanish obra. In short, Don Juan is a womanizer. He claims he can make any woman fall in love with him/he could conquer any woman (that is a bit of a spanglish translation- use your context clues). And now, I will insert more wikipedia block quotes: 

Tirso de Molina wrote “El burlador de Sevilla” in 1630 in order to demonstrate a life-changing lesson. He saw that everyone was throwing his or her life away, living and sinning as they pleased, because they believed that in the end, as long as they repented before they died, they would receive the grace to enter heaven. Through his play, however, he shows that even Don Juan, who is identified as the very devil, a “man without a name” and shape-shifter, has to eventually pay for his sins. Tirso reminds us that we must pay for our actions, and that in the end death makes us all equal.

Although the various iterations of the Don Juan myth show some variation, the basic story remains the same. Starting with Tirso's work, Don Juan is portrayed as a wealthy, seductive libertine who devotes his life to seducing women, taking great pride in his ability to seduce women of all ages and stations in life.

"Tan largo me lo fiáis” is the aphorism that Don Juan lives by. It is his way of indicating that he is young and death is still distant, trusting he has plenty of time to repent for his sins.^[2] 

It was so fun to watch. But............ they found my weakness. Standing in one place for extended periods of time. Because it was an outdoor play! It was insane! There were maybe 5 or 6 different stages in an arena-type courtyard (the same place they had the fair grounds for la semana cervantina). And scene to scene would take place on a different stage. And we would have shuffle like cows in the night trying to get closer to the next stage to try and see the actors (who were still at least 200 feet away) over a million other heads in the crowd. I've never in my life been so excited to be tall. Spanish people are honestly just short. Sonia (one of our professors) stands at a whopping 5'3" and I'm 5'10" with most shoes and basically it was a great experience for me! Haha. But then I crouched down to be her height and I pretty much lost it because you can't see a single thing hahahaha oh man. Thank you American genes. 

So that was basically Halloween. I also bought myself some frozen yogurt. Praise.

Anyways... almost finals week over here! TIME TO PANIC

With love como siempre,

Jessie

Quote of the day:

Jessie: "ah shoot we're gonna be late... we're always laaate"

Alyssa: "it's fine, it's because we smell all da roses."

ALL DA ROSES

ps photos have not finished uploading to dropbox so check back tomorrow if you're SUPER CURIOUS about what the photos will be. Hint: probably about Sevilla, Córdoba, or the flamenco dance. Or me next to a garden. Idk all possible things.

                                                                                                            

On Toledo & Windmills

What's up fam!

So shout out this week to my Grandma Kay who made me laugh more than I thought possible over a greeting card. Grandma, you’re the best. She sent me a Halloween card all the way from the States and it has TEN EUROS IN IT and that was SO COOL!! Except I couldn’t help but laugh because the first line said “you’ll have to tell your Italian friends about Halloween, I’m pretty sure it’s an American holiday”. Hahahahaha. I’m just curious how one addresses an envelope to “Alcala de Henares, Spain” and then jumps to Italy haha…… I love her. Also Halloween isn’t just an American holiday. They just do it right in America.

So last week we took a short little trip to see the one and only Toledo. 

Just kidding. 

The tour guide said about 100 times there’s another Toledo in Ohio. 

I will own up right now that I have a surprisingly small amount to say about this trip. If you read about the last trip I had a hard time turning on the Spanish ears? Wasn’t really a problem today… it was more like a filtering the Spanish into “what matters” basket. I think I filtered every single thing I heard into “not a piece of information that will change my life”.

Except the bit about Ohio. Obviously very important. 

But I’ll tell you what we did anyways! 

So we drove only a few hours to see the panoramica of Toledo. It’s cool that they make these stops for us. Moments like this makes me think my life is a postcard. I know I say that about Utah too, but it was really beautiful. But I think I left my heart in Barcelona, because every other town is great but… Barcelona was the best. 

We walked the streets of Toledo touring different important bits and holy freaking heck. When they say Toledo is known for swords… I was going to take a picture of all the different sword shops, but after taking one picture and then looking down the street I decided that was a dumb idea. Madrid is to shoe shops as Toledo is to sword shops. It was crazy because I went with our group from store to store to store to store to store and I had this moment of understanding where it finally made sense to me why men hate shopping with women for silly things that they don’t need. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH A SWORD, they weren’t even sharp! Why would you buy a sword that has less risk than a butter knife? These were letter openers. VERY EXPENSIVE LETTER OPENERS. 

Toledo was actually really cool and had parts that reminded me of my hometown. Actually, that’s probably more the weather than the town itself, but anyhow. My favorite thing we saw was probably the museum dedicated to El Greco, a famous painter from Spain. This is kind of dorky, but I love seeing the artistic liberties different museums take to create an experience. Back home the art museum by the lakeside is beautiful (google: Milwaukee Calatrava) but also limited to things it can display inside since it’s so stinking cold. Also that it could snow up to your knees in an afternoon. Anywho, the weather in Spain is a little more flexible. It does get cold, but my host fam says they get snow in Madrid maybe once a year. So half the experience of visiting this museum is walking in and out of these buildings/home from the time period that have been preserved… it’s neat. Also one of our professors always makes fun of me for drawing mascaras feas in class, but there were some hilarious statues that I also loved that I’ll attach a picture if I remember. 

After walking around the town with our guide, they took us out to the country side to race go carts!!!!!!! SPANISH CARRRRTS!!!

Just kidding. We went to see the cathedral hahahahahaha.

The cathedral had two very cool features that I hadn’t seen before. One of them was this crazy, ah……… I want to call it an art installation, but that’s not the name of it. I want to say statues, but that doesn’t feel like enough. I don’t know, it was sweet. These statues were a few hundred feet in the air right in front of this stained window-my dinky camera phone does not really do it justice. Mirad:

The other one was this painting in one of the rooms that was the entire ceiling. This is not so much a thing I’ve never seen before in Spain, it was just really really good. We talked in class about it- that the painting is supposed to continue the architecture upwards as an optical illusion and look like heaven is directly above you. It’s well done, but the illusion I didn’t think was all that crazy. But I was impressed at the accuracy of the perspective and proportion abilities of the painting…. Can you imagine being literally bent-over backwards to paint some random cathedral ceiling as if you were looking directly at someone’s butt 300 feet above you? Jeez oh man… these are some of the thoughts I have in cathedrals. #bigdeepcollegethoughts

Anyhow, so that was Toledo. Oh AND we went to see the REAL DEAL painting by El Greco!! Yes, the one Señor P spent a whole class period lecturing about in Spanish 4 back at GHS. The one I thought I would spend the rest of my life having only known from a textbook. ITS GIGANTIC. And I couldn’t take pictures where it was displayed, so I want you to imagine a wall. Stack another wall on top of it. If you can see the top of the wall without cranking your neck all the way back, add another wall. That’s the size of the painting. We had free time afterwards where some friends went and payed 10 euros to do a zipline in Toledo (“the longest zipline in Europe”- I’m still a little skeptical) but I wasn’t feeling too well so I was kind of ready to book it out of Toledo. 

After having to suffer through a handful of skinny skinny Spain backroads, the bus took us out to the countryside. And then suddenly we were in the middle of nowhere to see los molinos de viente… windmills!! That was such a fun day. That was honestly the highlight for me. I KNOW THEY’RE JUST WINDMILLS but they made me really happy. I think we were going to tour them with a guide, but for some reason it was closed so we just got to goof around for an hour and take some pictures, it was great.  That was probably why it was the highlight of my day since nothing really cool happened. I mean I was trying to get the supa professional angle for a photo by kneeling on the ground and I kneeled literally directly into these huge thorns, but that isn’t interesting haha. Also it drew blood. I was shocked. MAN DOWN.

Oop.. shoot. Almost completely forgot. In between Toledo and the windmills we visited a different town… except in the nicest way I can say it, it was literally the most boring town I’ve ever seen. A tumbleweed could have blown down the street and it would have been thrilling. Haha. 

The reason I mention it at all is because they’re a part of the history of spain. Obv. As I’ve talked about super briefly, Spain is known for Don Quijote written by Cervantes. And every single city seems to feel like they have a claim to it haha, because literally literally every single city has merchandice of Don Quijote on his horse with Sancho walking next to him (google it). The other symbolism you’ll find everywhere are windmills. Don Quijote supposedly hiked through this part of Spain and attacked the windmills as he thought they were monsters/enemies? It's hard to summarize two huge books haha. 

And the little rinky dinky town was a part of the camino del quijote.

The Ingenious Gentleman Don Quixote of La Mancha (Spanish: El ingenioso hidalgo don Quijote de la Mancha), is a Spanish novel by Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra. Published in two volumes, in 1605 and 1615, Don Quixote is considered one of the most influential works of literature from the Spanish Golden Age and the entire Spanish literary canon. As a founding work of modern Western literature and one of the earliest canonical novels, it regularly appears high on lists of the greatest works of fiction ever published, such as the Bokklubben World Library collection that cites Don Quixoteas authors' choice for the "best literary work ever written".^[2] It follows the adventures of a nameless hidalgo who reads so many chivalric romances that he loses his sanity and decides to set out to revive chivalry, undo wrongs, and bring justice to the world, under the name Don Quixote.

He recruits a simple farmer, Sancho Panza, as his squire, who often employs a unique, earthy wit in dealing with Don Quixote's rhetorical orations on antiquated knighthood. Don Quixote, in the first part of the book, does not see the world for what it is and prefers to imagine that he is living out a knightly story. Throughout the novel, Cervantes uses such literary techniques as realism, metatheatre, and intertextuality. It had a major influence on the literary community, as evidenced by direct references in Alexandre Dumas' The Three Musketeers (1844), Mark Twain's Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (1884) and Edmond Rostand's Cyrano de Bergerac (1897), as well as the word "quixotic". Arthur Schopenhauer cited Don Quixote as one of the four greatest novels ever written, along with Tristram Shandy, La Nouvelle Héloïse and Wilhelm Meister.^[3]

Exciting block quote courtesy of Wikipedia. My homie for life.

So that's that. 

Love you all!

Keep the faith.

Splurge on on toilet paper, 

shampoo,

and chocolate.

Always chocolate.

un abrazo-

Jessie

STS: On Choice

I started this blog to share my experiences abroad with my family and friends so when they ask “How is Spain??” I can refer them directly here. I don’t write to entertain hundreds of  strangers with my own personal musings, but I do write for me. And I amuse myself so... that has to be worth something, haha. I started Spiritual Thought Sundays because I think it’s silly to only show your personal wins with your friends if they can’t see at what price they came.  Today I’m writing something different. I don’t expect everyone to understand. And I don’t ask for you to agree with me. I only ask that you keep an open mind.

You struggle… again and again.

And then one day,

you triumph.

I read once somewhere that if we all spilled our troubles on the table, when we saw what everyone else carried with them we would scramble to grab and keep ours. And I think about that a lot.  Nonetheless, it has been a good week here but with some sharper aches and pains in my own life. There are a lot of things that don’t belong on a blog and many that I just choose to not share.

I want to generalize my thoughts and use the Royal We and apply it to the population, but I realize what I mean is in Jessie Dean land- and so to save the time and an inflated sense of self, I’ll just write it like this:

I struggle a lot.

I don’t feel I succeed in every thing that I do.

I am no stranger to feeling unnoticed,

                                         or useless

                                         or to failure.

but all of these things… they’re all so central to being human. I have days where I drag my feet. Moments where I fall apart. I have self doubt, discomfort, sometimes just straight up sadness… we all experience our own share of the worst. I would be shocked if you could honestly say you haven’t felt any of what I’ve listed in the last year. And then I would try to be happy for you but would secretly envy your fortunate circumstances. And then I would add “be less envious of others” to my “to work on” list in my head haha.

I want you reading this to know that I LOVE SPAIN. The experiences I’ve had here have been so great.  I’m grateful to have the opportunity to study in such a beautiful and quirky country. And I still try to love every day the best I can. And I will have a lot of things to miss when I come back to the states… the food, the people, the places, the memories, the bread haha… And yet, this past week has been harder than most. But I’m working through it. Because life moves on, whether or not you’re ready to.

My heart aches today. It hurts for friends back home. It hurts for family. It hurts for my lack of understanding about a lot of things.

Why do we struggle?

Why does God let us hurt if He is the God of Love? Of Mercy? If He is All-powerful?

This is just my personal opinion, but I don’t believe that God has a “perfect path” set out for us. At least not in the sense that it’s a straight line to be walked and we get punished until we find our way back to the one path that He made.

Of course we all need to stay “on the path” in regards to being faithful, repentant, following the commandments, doing our best to be an example and lift others- but that’s a different plan. What I mean to say is I don’t think God has already crafted “Jessie Dean the Street Sweeper Who Lives in Minneapolis and Gets to Have 3 Close Friends” as His path set for me, and that I will be miserable until it’s actualized. That just doesn’t make sense to me.

So like I said: I don’t believe that God has a path set in stone for us.

I think God helps us as we are and as we make our own choices.
I totally believe “Jessie Dean the Artist”, “Jessie Dean the Surgeon”, “Jessie Dean the Politician” and even “Jessie Dean the Manager at Target” can be and are perfectly acceptable paths to walk in His eyes and I will still learn the things I need to in different ways. 

But sometimes God can have these different good things and lessons lined up for us,

and we still chose to walk.

Because we will always have our ability to choose.

I choose to pray. Or I choose to stay in bed longer.

I choose to wait around for apologies. Or I choose to be forgiving.

I choose nutella on bread. I choose corn flakes. I choose to skip breakfast.

I choose to stay in my comfort zone. Or I choose to try new things.

I choose to stand up for the right thing.

I choose to follow the commandments.

And still, there are things that I can’t choose.

I didn’t choose my height.

I didn’t choose my body.

I didn’t choose how I grew up.

I can’t choose my trials.

I can’t make choices for others.

And I can’t pick and choose my sufferings.

But I choose how I handle them.

And I can choose to make bad days good.

I don’t have big experiences with dark nights. I’ve had my share of dark moments specifically in the context of Jessie Dean, but I live my life in a way that I’m always in control. But today I sat and I watched each and every single one of the videos from The Church’s 12 Steps To Recovery (Addiction Recovery Program). And I will no doubt watch them again some other time. They are powerful. They are inspiring. They are real.

https://www.mormonchannel.org/12steps

Honesty

Hope

Trust in God

Truth

Confession

Change of Heart

Humility

Forgiveness

Restituion and Reconciliation

Daily Accountability

Personal Revelation

Service

They are each about 5 minutes long and tell a different story of a real person. Prescription drugs. Food addictions. Alcohol. Eating Disorders. Heroine. Cocaine. Sex addictions.

Addiction is real.

So is Recovery.

Like I said, I don’t have experiences with dark nights. I can say honestly and openly I have not had an addiction of such caliber. I don’t want to say I’ve never had an addiction but I feel like  I keep my chocolate habit at bay… #jokesonaseriouspost

The reason I spend my whole Sunday afternoons writing and rewriting these aren’t for the internet points. I don’t get anything cool from it. For the most part I just hope they’re read and if they’re read by my fam from outside of the church, I hope they read it and look for truths or new things they can apply to their own lives.

Of this I know to be true:

Jesus Christ was a perfect man.

I can’t fathom what a perfect man looks like, but he was it.

Sometimes I sit and think how would I react if Christ walked into the room right now? And sometimes the thought in itself brings tears to my eyes.

Jesus Christ was a perfect man.

He did no wrong.

He sought out and only followed the will of the Father.

And yet,

He was rejected by the multitudes.

The very people he came to uplift.

They turned their backs and laughed.

Or worse,

Raised their weapons and raised their voices to fight him.

And He knew that they would, and he came anyways.

He has endured the dark nights.

He has walked with no one by his side.

He has experienced the most pain.

And yet,

I see him sitting next to me.

A man who has seen so much, felt so much, has done so much.

And he wants to sit next to me.

I sit and sob about the troubles in my life, and he doesn’t jump to conclusions. He doesn’t judge who is right and who is wrong. He understands the pain in my heart and instead seeks to help me to know how to right what is wrong or accept that which I cannot change.

He stands with his hand out stretched, and says

“Come, follow me.”

And this is my choice. We all have this choice. 

He sits with all of us and waits until we look to him for guidance. 

"Come, follow me," the Savior said.

Then let us in his footsteps tread,

For thus alone can we be one

With God's own loved, begotten Son.

I know that religion “isn’t for everyone” but it’s for me, and that’s enough.

I know all things are possible in Christ. I know it. I’m still learning how to put it into practice in my own life.  I anticipate to be doing this essentially until the grave! Sign me up. I know he is the light that can help the darkest of nights and every lost soul. And he absolutely wants to. And you are never too far gone to find him.

I love you all. I love the Savior.

Keep the faith and just keep going.

We can all do hard things.

Love always,

Jessie

It’s been a while since I’ve tacked these on, but some things I’ve been listening to:

Jaymes Young – “I’ll Be Good”

www.youtube.com/watch?v=mkMVyw-7avI

Labrinth- “Jealous”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50VWOBi0VFs

Kodaline – “High Hopes”

www.youtube.com/watch?v=E4povfmX144

The Paper Kites – “Bloom”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8inJtTG_DuU